Gym Woes: A Tale of Three Vile Teenagers

  I truly believe the only person you should try to be better than is yourself. That being said, I just out-planked 3 unbelievably cruel teenage boys.

  Story time: I was at the gym minding my own business, trying to get my stretch on after running, when this group of boys started working out next to me. All of the sudden they couldn't stop laughing. Further eavesdropping revealed that their funny bones had been tickled at the expense of an overweight girl who was struggling on the elliptical. I will not pollute your brainpalace with their fiendish commentary, but trust me, it would make your skin crawl. Anyway, they decide to place bets on which one of them could hold a plank the longest. I don't know what processed me to do this, but I invited myself to join their competition. My plank may have ended with shaky arms and legs, but I lasted a full minute longer than the trio of douches. I then proceed to get up, put my mat away, gave them my best ‘disappointed mom’ stare, and walked away. I wanted to find the aforementioned girl so I could give her a high five and tell her to continue being fabulous, but alas, she was nowhere to be found.

  My heart breaks for the girl I never actually had the pleasure of meeting - probably because I have been there, and truth be told most days it feels like I still am. I remember days when I didn’t want to workout because I literally didn’t want to be seen. My mind had me convinced that staying in was preferable to making strangers bear witness to my disgustingly unfit-form battling to move. (How messed up is that?)

  Listening to those boys did indeed validate that fear. But the hard truth is, yeah, there are people who will have a problem seeing someone who they have personally deemed aesthetically displeasing trying to be physically active. That is entirely THEIR problem though. The difficult part is deciding not to let that knowledge affect you negatively. Making the decision to commit to your own happiness, despite the voice in your head telling you to stay inside. 

  Oy. I really hope the trio of douches didn’t spread their hateful energy anywhere near that warrior princess. Let's just add this interaction to the endless list of reasons why I loathe the gym, shall we? 


  Well, I'm off to make myself piña kale-ada! Goodnight, my fine feathered friends! 

“How did I get here?”

   That is the sentence that kept running through my brain palace seven months ago as I sat in a cold doctor’s office. (Imagine the freezer episode of “I Love Lucy,” minus the hilarity.) I was waiting to have a Lap-Band consultation. After waiting for what felt like 30 minutes, the doctor graced me with his presence. (We shall call him Dr. Coldhands - I’m pretty sure he washed his hands in an ice bath or something.) He started the marathon of invasive questions, the kind no one wants to answer out loud.

   His diagnosis: In order for insurance to cover the procedure, I would have to gain 35 pounds and/or develop a slew of health problems. Dr. Coldhands recommended stomach stapling rather than the Lap-Band. Everything he said after that just sounded like the teacher in Charlie Brown. Conclusion: this is not going to work for me.

   A week later I was on a plane to Israel with a tour group, and there is where my first “ah-ha” moment happened. We were stargazing in the middle of the desert. (Imagine the clearest night sky you have ever seen and sharpen it 100%. Pretty amazing, right?) Our guide was taking us through all that we had seen and done over the past week. She ended with a self-reflection exercise, basically deep meditation. One of the many things I learned from this was that I am worthy of a healthy life – both physical and mental. And I realized that up until that very moment, every time I had tried to lose weight, it hadn’t been for me.

   Since the age of ten, others have made me painfully aware of my physical imperfection. This prompted 14 years of trying every diet society has made readily available. If there’s a pill, I’ve taken it; a meal plan, I’ve done it. I even went through a humiliating liposuction consultation the summer before starting high school. Turns out having someone take a Sharpie and carefully point out all the things about you they would “fix” is not a good time.

   Anyway, after a month of traveling, I arrived home and was faced with a paralyzing question: “Where do I start?” This only prompted more questions: “HOW do I start? What if I fail?” Self-doubt is an evil mistress. Shortly after my mini-meltdown, I saw an interview on TV. A woman was talking about how it takes 21 days to break a habit. Hello, “ah-ha” moment number two!

   With this newfound knowledge, I decided to change one thing at a time, every 21 days. It started with cutting out soda, then drinking more water, then eliminating all fast food (even the “healthy” options), then adding foods rich in nutritional value to my diet, etc. I also eliminated “cheat days” after reading an article that said, “What you eat today affects how you feel tomorrow.” That might not be true for everyone, but it definitely rings true for me. So instead, I indulge in moderation.

   At this point you might be thinking, “Um, Lauren, There seems to be a key component missing from your lifestyle change.” You would be correct. Exercise. I needed to find something that I could do on a regular basis. The truth is, I get so booooored at the gym, and I always end up next to someone who grunts a lot or flings their sweat everywhere. Do you hear that? I think it might be another “ah-ha” moment. Oprah would be so proud! “Hey Lauren. Remember those Cardio Barre classes you took before going to Israel?” “Yeah.“ “You should go back!” “That’s an excellent idea! Thank you, brain palace, for remembering.” “It’s what I do!” So that’s what I did.

   There are not enough adjectives in the dictionary to describe how incredibly grateful I am for finding Cardio Barre. Honestly, it has changed my life in so many incredible ways. I went from someone who loathed exercise to someone who feels genuine joy while I’m on my way to class. The instructors and staff are so unbelievably motivating and uplifting. From the moment you walk in the door, you feel an instant wave of positivity and warmth – partially from people sweating it out, but mostly from the love. And believe me when I say it is a full body workout. I have discovered muscles I didn’t even know I had!

   Over the course of an hour, not only can I feel the changes in my body, but my mind and soul are being nurtured as well. Maybe that’s the endorphin thing people are always talking about? But I truly believe it’s the instructors. Heidi in particular has taught me to reach out of my comfort zone (even if I stumble, at least I tried), to constantly strive to be a better version of myself, that being thin is not the goal — being strong is, and of course how to blast that glooty! A few months ago I was someone who would talk to a bag of chips about my feelings. Now I’ll look up when the next class is and leave my worries at the barre.

   So here we are, seven months later. In that time, I have lost the amount of weight Dr. Coldhands suggested I gain to qualify for surgery, I am more mindful of my food choices, and I have learned that health is not something I’m going to graduate from - it’s a life long journey. I am a perfectly imperfect work in progress, and I’m in it for the long haul.